I miss being able to talk on the phone for hours with my sister or best friend without having to worry about long distance charges. I miss being able to walk into a store and ask for help without having to run through a script in my head six or seven times. I miss driving to someone’s house that’s just 20-30 minutes away and being able to go home the same night and not having to worry about getting a bus or train at the right time in order to not miss work. I miss going to Taco Bell whenever I want. I miss Wendy’s. I miss how cheap meat was. I miss the grocery store selection in general. Where are the canned vegetables?

I miss my pets. I especially miss when I’d sit on the couch after work and Sofie, my orange cat, would leave her hiding spot to climb onto my chest and rub her forehead against my face. I miss my mother, and I miss talking to her every day. I miss making her drive me places. I miss watching my nephew play video games and going to my sisters’ house “for an hour” and ending up staying there all night. I miss going to Buffalo Wild Wings with my old coworkers to spend money I didn’t have on cocktails that weren’t strong enough. I miss D&D. I miss being able to find my size in clothing in person at the store. I miss taking baths. I miss bath bombs. I miss wearing shirts that were a little bit revealing. I miss showing my tattoos.

I do not miss my retail job. I do not miss the long hours and stress crying in the freezer. I do not miss Memphis traffic on Highland. I do not miss constantly eating like trash and never getting out of bed unless I had work and then crying about gaining weight. I do not miss depending on everyone else for every difficult thing in my life. I made the grades to finish college on my own. I applied for graduation on my own. I applied for EPIK on my own, and I got the documents on my own. I flew to Korea, I moved to Korea, on my own. In Korea, I shop, I travel, I learn, and I do so many things on my own that, for so long, I had been afraid to do. Not only has Korea taught me to start loving myself, but it has taught me to depend on myself. I do not miss the girl I was in Memphis, and I won’t go back until I am no longer that girl.

Because I still go too long without washing my hair, and my apartment’s mess would rival only that of my bedroom’s mess back home. I still have trouble remembering to hang up my laundry and wash the dishes and take out the trash. And it’s embarrassing to be such a mess… But I have to remind myself that I have come so far already. I shouldn’t beat myself up for my messy home right now, because so many other things about me have changed. Eventually, I will have to keep my dishes done. Eventually, I will have to stop ordering pizza or chicken or pasta and start cooking dinner more often. Eventually, I will get used to the script in my head when I’m checking out at the grocery store. The novelty has worn off, and that’s why the homesickness is here. But when the scary wears off, maybe the homesickness will too.